So I’m trying to figure out a few things that go along with the past few blog entries…
What it all boils down to (as it was revealed a few nights ago) is that my past issues are still issues. Now sure, people go through things…some difficult, some traumatic and they have a choice…they can work through their pain and overcome it with their hope in Christ OR they can let it affect them as long as they breathe. I have, for the most part, chosen the latter of these two.
Everyone I see has the face or voice of someone that has caused me pain in the past. This is unfair to the ones closest to me. The ones that want to call me friend and brother. They are pushed away when they get too close. Friends try to draw close to my heart and as soon as I realize it or they get too comfortable I run off with some “TO DO” list or just don’t answer their calls. OR I blame them for something that they didn’t even do. Whatever will allow me to put distance between my heart and theirs. Same goes with my emotions. DON’T ASK ME HOW I FEEL!!! Cause it might make me weak and then I would have to rely on someone else to pat me on the back and help my emotions off of the ground. I come by it honestly, I suppose? It was typically the example growing up. When things get rough I was shown to either withdraw and hide, punish my self, and/or survive by keeping everything secret… Someone hurts you once and from then on just don’t let ANYONE get close…not even your family. Let’s just let our conversations be surface and not allow time to really dig into the heart or discuss what our feelings really are.
I will say this, my brother and I have worked through some messy times from our youth. Now, we have talked through this, repented when repentance was needed, and forgiveness given where it was needed. My brother is the only exception to the above. I know that I can tell him anything and he would love me anyway…and vice versa. I think it is because we both know that we are flawed by our sinful nature, but that we are man enough (at least to each other) to “just tell it like it is.” When I’m angry or whatever I can call him and chat. I know that he would drive the 1 1/2 hours to hang out and talk through stuff. He’s done it before. I know that he knows that he can call me and I would do the same. I love to just call him up and say something stupid…he gets it and knows what kind of mood I’m in. Maybe it is because we come from the same up-bringing and scars. Maybe it is that brotherly kinship that most people never really tap into. Maybe I just like him because he is, in a lot of ways, like me. That is not the case with everyone else.
So will I let this emotional childishness go on? Will I consistantly run away from close friends because they might change into the “Boogie Man?” No!!!
I must realize that if I continue to push people away, then I won’t ever grow up. If iron sharpens iron and I don’t let people get close to me and brush up against me then I will never become the husband and father that I need to be…or that Lovely and Little Bear need for me to be.
God, won’t you reveal my heart for what I really am. Afraid. Show me that while you told us that we are to be like the little children, you call us to be “mature, not lacking anything.” Please, show me my obedience and let my heart be reminded constantly that you are my strength and my hope as well as my Father, who chastens whom he loves.