Sometimes life/work/play/EVERYTHING just makes absolutely NO sense. Life just flies by and I never have a chance to do anything about it. I don't think that I would want to watch it just pass by me, but, then again, working at such a clip that you don't even remember what you did on your off day because you are so exhausted isn't much to boast in either. So what is the balance? So makes life make sense? Not much.
I will be honest. Most days I lose my focus in the grind of dealing with 50 guys and their drug addictions and their issues…Them dealing with their issues with crack/cocaine, marijuana, or any of the other drug choices there are on the street. Also dealing with the deceit that comes along with a life full of conning people and lying to get their next fix. It is rare that anyone is genuine…VERY rare. I am constantly trying to live an example to break these guys mindsets of what people think of them. I too often forget that it has taken a LONG time for them to get to that point and I just want them to hurry and listen to me so they can mentally be freed of the mindset and stigma that they put on themselves. It is truly a daily fight. Some days that means drug testing a house and being let down because the one person you thought was getting it together popped positive for drug use. Some days that is kicking out guys that feels that they need no help. Some days that is literally restraining someone from trying to hurt another person in the program OR staff person(s). So, when does it end? Would Jesus come in here and pound on their thick skulls until they understood that God saves, substance abuse doesn't? How would Jesus respond to someone that doesn't trust him? Would Jesus reach out and cast out the demons that obviously plague the guy OR would He commission the guy to do something that sounded so crazy that it would be ridiculous to NOT trust? This is where confusion enters my soul.
I am an emotional skeleton. I have nothing left after the 15+ hour days are through. Nothing for my family I drag in and collapse. I am at the end of what little wit I have left and I find desire no longer to be tormented by these long and endless days. This is proof that I am in no way like God. Our Lord and Savior has been doing this since time began…all of the pain and disappointment. I mean, hell, I am only working with 50 guys…I could not even think about billions of people over the centuries. The truth is there is no escape from the unsaved. There is no release from the things that God lays on our hearts. In the Psalms, David runs for years, running away from Saul's men. I'm sure he had a day like I have. I mean, to use the self-restraint and control that he used to be close enough to Saul to have killed him three times and didn't, despite Saul's constant attempt to have David killed. The time that he (David) spent running…was that to build his character and strength with God and fondness for Saul? Or was it God allowing David to be refined by causing Saul's heart to be so hardened against God and David?
So, to my anxious thoughts about who will go on a drug/alcohol binge tomorrow…to my emotionally deceased heart…to my frantic mind trying to process this non-stop sin roller-coaster… Just hold on to God for another day. After all, He is the reason you have life anyway. God will change your circumstances when He is ready. God will call you to His plan, just listen. He may call you to more training somewhere else. He may call you to remain steadfast. All of life's trials are to make you more mature after all. Breathe in God. Just breathe.