I have a meeting in just a bit…I don't know what it is about. In one sense I feel like I have to have my guards up and skin as tough as kevlar. On the other side of it, I don't want to close out what I have coming my way.
You see, I have this tendancy to toughen up when I think I might come under opposition. I always feel that I am ill-prepared for any confrontation. I can blame that on a whole host of places, but the truth is that there is no one to blame but myself. I haven't allowed God to prepare my heart and make me battle-ready. The bible says that we as Christians should be willing and able to give an account of our faith. That I can do. As for the rest of life, I am unarmed.
Here is where I am today…My heart is broken. I can't help but hold the kids I have and not mourn the loss of Tobias Mikal and Jonah Miriam that God has. I know…God has a plan and He is taking care of them better than I ever could. I know this as truth to my very core. In the same way, I can't help be feel my arms being a little more empty than they should be. I never got to hear them cry or call my name. Never got to have them hold on to my finger with all of their hand. Those sweet and unforgetable moments that I see happen with other parents and they just toss those moments away. A chance to hold them, even if life is crazy and you might not get everything done on your agenda/to do list.
I know that God was there with us when Tobias and Jonah were born. It was bloody. Something that will always cut to the core of my heart. I can't think about it without coming unglued (including now). I held Tobias for a moment…just before the nurse said, “Well, its just a yolk sack…there's no baby in there.” and tossed him in the trash marked biological. Jonah Miriam was born at home. Raygen doesn't even know this. The miscarriage had been going on for a few days (seemed like weeks) and I hear a cry from the bathroom as she was getting out of the bath. I carried Jonah to the kitchen…you could see a formation of cells. She was about the size of a jellybean. I wept and cried out to God that this would be the end of it all. I tossed her in the trash, bagged it up and placed her on the road. She was about 6-8 weeks into her gestational period. Those moments never leave. Some nights they haunt my dreams. Some days it consumes my thoughts.
I have never told this before. I know this is public. I know that millions will read this. That is not my concern. I know that at the end of today, I will go home and will hold my sweet Bonnie and baby Matthias and weep over them out of the gratefulness that I have. At the end of the day, I still know that God gives us breath to breathe and sustains our life. I will not question His decision.
So the edge of something new?
God's call. It isn't really new, but it is newly realized. Though I only have two children here, my quiver has 4 arrows. As my family moves forward toward the call I will allow god too strengthen, encourage, and equip.
Thank you God for Your goodness to all who serve You. Your plan is perfect though I don't see it all in the scheme of things.