So about two weeks ago, I was asked to fill in for the music minister of the church and Wifey and I have been going to for about 6 weeks or so. This seemed like an odd request, but I was happy to serve…so I said, “Sure, just name the day.” Well, today was the day.
The music minister and his wife just had their first baby this past week and if there is anyone out there that understands the adjustment that a baby makes, it would be me. (or anyone else that has at least one child) So, we set it up and got all of the details ironed out. I spent a good bit of time in the late-night or early morning practicing and working through the songs. I made the revelation of John Mark McMillan’s interview about the song “How He Loves.” After I watched this video, I was completely undone.
All of the emotion and hurt and gunk and grime from the past 3 years began to loosen up and after making a HUGE lump in my throat, came out of my eyes through tears. I wish I could say that it was happy tears. It wasn’t.
As I made my way through the lyrics…I would sing/play about two lines and then break down. Then compose myself and pick up again…just adding line by line.
That is until I arrived at the line about “So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss…” The symbolism there was too much to take. The interview shows a few shots of his child who was drooling all over him giving kisses. I immediately track to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Heaven Is The Face” and that is pretty much it. Each time I try to sing that line…or even think about singing I am overwhelmed.
I think of the two children that I never held. I look at pictures of their brother and sisters and I wonder what they look like. Did they have red hair like their mom? Blue eyes like me? I wonder what their laughs would have sounded like? These are things that consume my thoughts on my drive to work, when I play guitar…whenever life is quiet…(like right now).
So as I approached the microphone behind a guitar this morning, I began to strum and glanced at the words. I successfully got through the first line. And then it happened… I just completely broke down and wept half way through the song. I am thankful that the song was familiar to the people. In essence, they led me in worship. It was amazing.
Not to say that the healing process is complete. That is not true by any stretch. I think that it has just begun and that it will be a long, messy road that my life thus far has led up to. I can see that the songs that will come out of this season and life so far could be all across the board. But for tomorrow? I will continue to love, live, hurt, and grow in God. I will look for more opportunities to led and love God’s people.
Long and short of it…today was very much defining for me. I am thankful that God offered this opportunity.