Dammit! I feel like a criminal!

I have always felt this way. I devote time and energy and…then a change. All that time! Where did it go? Was I lying when I said that I wanted to stay? I don’t think so, but it sure feels that way. To me, that is the way it looks. I mean, I’ve been asking for change, but now that the change is coming, I feel I have cheated those around me. Flat out disrespect of the loyalty entrusted to me. Especially with the timing of all of this.

Too, in my current situation, I have always felt like it was a stepping stone of sorts, but have, in the past, walked passed about 5 opportunities to make a little more money just because of the security that the current job offers. Now, with this new opportunity, it is with someone that I truly trust that has my best interests at heart…very much unlike the job with the Plumbing Company or any retail or restaurant job that I’ve taken. This new position will require much more but it also offers a bunch more than I ever thought of putting into a negotiation package for myself.

Still, I feel like I am a hypocrite while I walk around doing my filing, processing reports, and completing paperwork when I know that my time is limited. It brings out the brevity in life, you know? I still can’t help feeling like a secret spy or an undercover person that goes in and deceives everyone around until it’s time for the bust. I can’t even say when I’ll be clocking out for the last time due to a few pieces of info that are just up in the air.

My apologies to LS, GB, and the crew at SU in advance. Sorry that at some point I’ll end up leaving you high and dry (so to speak). Just know that this decision has given me peace about mine and my family’s future, but has brought me anxiety as for how this will leave you all in a bind.
I just wish I could work both jobs.

I was reading a buddies blog during lunch today. He made some really good points in his entry today. He was mentioning that life, for him and his family, is a little up-in-the-air as of recent.

Where? When? How? These are some of the questions he proposes. Over the weekend, I have been pondering over the same questions…”ironic, don’t you think?” Actually I’ve been wondering and asking myself these questions for a lot longer than that. Bishop Andy, my pastor, brought some light to a lot of this yesterday. Ephesians 4:1 “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Now it goes on to tell you how to do that…in meekness, humility, and bearing with one another. So what does that look like for me. I know what God has called me to in life. There are things that people are telling me though that confuse the crap out of me. One person (a person I highly respect) tells me that whether it is now or when I make it in the “big time” that he wants to support me no matter what. Yet another person (that I respect and is close to me) says another thing that is not along the same path. What then? So I guess I play gigs for fun…Lead worship at DTC and whatever transpires just transpires?

I think this. I’ve never really done anything full force except for recently. I’ve basically done enough to show progress but just enough where I don’t get blasted. When I started working 70+ hours per week, I had to keep everything afloat…not just barely above water. That whole process taught me something. Why should I spread myself so thin? I don’t have to. I should work beyond the best of my ability and lean on God for the additional strength and understanding.

Now that I have cut back the hours, I honestly feel paranoid that I’m not working and going full speed ahead. So do I cut back and chill? Heck, no! I concentrate my efforts. Work as diligently and I did when I worked 70+ hours. Just fit that effort into 45+ hours of work and the other things that are coming up for me and the fam.

So here goes! Let’s rock it and roll it and study it and whatever else it!!!