Category: Uncategorized

The "List"

So I received an e-mail a couple of weeks ago from one of the guys I go to church with.  He, in my opinion, is an upstanding young man that is one of the great leaders in our church.  (and I'm not saying that because he will read this) 
 
He sent out an e-mail to all of the guys from the church about how they have done this year on being leaders and elders in their own homes and in their own lives.  Well, like I said I got the e-mail a couple of weeks ago.  I have been milling it over for a while.  I have looked at the list and nearly deleted it about 5-6 times because I knew the answers to all, ALL, of the questions.  It is not a good sign…(hence the wanting to delete the e-mail so many times).  But still, I needed to look and check myself against these biblical markers for being a “Pastor” of your own home.  The scriptures come from 1 Timothy 3, Titus, and 1 Peter 5.
 
Well, I e-mailed him back just a few minutes ago.  It was pretty much at that point that I was dead set on blogging about this.  There is just too much at stake here. 
 
So the more I looked at the list of characteristics and answered them truthfully, the more I became angry and hard-hearted about how angry and hard-hearted I have become.  I will point out a few of these things that I am talking about (just so there is a frame of reference…)  Actually, I am just going to “Pony Up” and cut and paste the whole thing.  Why hide anything?!?  If I do, then I continue a lie that I continue to live.
 
-Above Reproach – not hardly.  I am more harsh and brash since working with the Village guys.  I have learned that I lack compassion and have very little love and kindness in my message.
-Not under compulsion to serve, but voluntary – rarely do I feel like volunteering to do anything – I can't blame it on anything but my cruddy attitude.
-The husband of one wife – except for the occasional thoughts…well, I guess it isn't as good as it seems.  Can't justify sin, can I?
-Not out for sordid gain, but serving with eagerness – serving with eagerness?  nope.  again, that is rare. I am not out for vicious or ill-gotten gain, but I am, honestly, not very eager to serve.
-Prudent – i don't think that I am wise in much of any way. 
-Not self-willed – in some instances I am truly not self-willed.  I really do want to help. 
-Respectable – I don't respect myself…how could anyone else
-Not quick tempered – I think I blew that one up when I killed my guitar some months back.  Not a strong point.
-Not lording over those in his authority, but proving to be examples – jury is still out on this one. I haven't figured out the meaning yet.
-Hospitable – again, no compassion.  not very hospitable…or approachable for that matter
-Not addicted to wine – i do well on this one, but then again, i don't really like alcohol.  it is pretty easy.  no brownie points here.
-Able to teach – i cannot honestly teach what I do not live.  so, no…i dont' think so.
-Not pugnacious – I had to look it up…I didn't get a passing grade on this one.
-Not fond of sordid gain – there is not much to gain for me
-Gentle – nope…my words are seldom life-giving anymore…truth be told
-Lover of what is good – at the end of the day…yes.
-Uncontentious – not hardly.  i am rarely without some contention, whether internal or external
-Sensible – most days…no. 
-Free from the love of money – for the most part…yes. 
-Just – i am not very partial to any one person.  I get short and ill-tempered at most everyone.
-Manages his household well – nope…never there to manage.
-Devout – honestly?  nope.  I don't ANY time for being devout…or so I convince myself… 
-Not a new convert – no, but i sure do act like a new convert sometimes.
-Self controlled – not much.  as the cliche goes, “I wear my heart on my sleeve” but my sleeve is VERY angry.
-A good reputation with those outside the church – don't think so.  People say good things, but I don't think there is any real good things to be said. 
-Holds fast the faithful Word—both to exhort and to refute – I refute more than anything.  i butt heads with just about anyone about anything these days. 
 
So what brings this about?  Why this openness?  Well, I was just taking a glance in 1 Timothy when I started reading the e-mail just a while ago.  When it mentions about Hymenaeus and Alexander and that they “shipwrecked” their faith…it caught my attention.  I don't think I am too far away from absolutely just chucking my faith out of the window.  I mean, I would never do that, but as the New Testament is full of examples, it is easy for “Christians” to assume that they are still “living their faith” but, in fact, they are just going through the motions to get their “10 year pin…” the outward “accomplishments that make them “look” like a good Christian, but the truth is that they couldn't be farther from the truth of a real Christian. 
 
I see examples each and every day of men in leadership around me.  I get to see their ups and downs.  I get to see their “everyday” self.  I don't place them on a pedestal far above me.  I look at them in the eye and my heart grows full of heartbreak.  These men go through life's toils and drama and respond well (mostly) and then I look at myself.  Some days I just watch them without saying a word and at the end of the day I tell myself that being a pastor is in NO way a desire for me…especially after they are treated the way some of these men get treated.  But then again, God is calling me to the same thing.  Shall I just gird my loins and “Pony Up” as I say?  Why don't i study and seek God's truth like these men?  Why?  Simple.  I am afraid.  I lack the “intestinal fortitude” to stand up and be counted.  On paper, Revelation's 144,000 men sound pretty flippin' awesome.  But step back and think about what that means.  All the crap those men have to go through to get there.  Am I even designed to be one of those men?  EVERYTHING in me says, “you will NEVER make it!!!”  Most days, I accept those lies.  I am thankful that our leaders don't believe that non-sense. 
 
I don't think I will ever add up the measures that God has set up in the scriptures.  While I have some days that I lack the energy to try to get as close to this as possible, that is always, and I do mean ALWAYS what I desire.  I fail every honkin' day.  If it isn't one thing it is another, but as long as God gives me breath in my lungs, I will try.  And the days I lack the energy…well, if I look that way, you just swiftly swat your foot at my hind-quarters and let me know that you notice. 
 
The truth is still the truth whether it is painful or comforting.  Truth me…alright?

Lusty Lusterson

Maybe you know what I am talking about here. Am I having lustful thoughts?…nope. I am talking about lust in the flesh. Anything that is meant for good can be twisted and corrupted into a sickening and sinful lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:22-26 says,

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no
law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions
and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26 Let
us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Any of these things can be perverted. Love could be turned to lust. Joy turned to malice. Longsuffering turned to discontentedness. Kindness to hatred. Goodness…You get the picture. Whatever OUR desires are, if not God’s heart, can simply and quickly turn into a trip down sin road.

Such has been my day today. I think I broke nearly all of these today in some shape form or fashion. (I’m just being honest here.)

I woke up alright, but the closer I got to going to work the more angry and resentful I became. No prayer seemed genuine. The moment I stepped out of the Jeepers and watched the family cruise off into the morning briskness, I just allowed myself to be more hard-hearted. I thought to myself, “Hell, I didn’t get a REAL off day yesterday. I deserve a day with my family where I don’t have to do a honkin’ thing except enjoy them.” (Again, I did mention honesty, right.) I went in and everything just continued to set me off even more. The server being down, the five guys that ALWAYS come at me with petty questions before I can enter the “safety” of the office. There was more…nothing seemed to sit well.

So after I greeted everyone politely, I told them that I was just going to be quite for a while. I was just going to try to work past the “grumpies” on my own. (That really didn’t work out at all.) So I began to get organized for the day, with all of the new paperwork on my desk. (All of this only covered about 15 minutes or so.) Now, trying to find out what I had missed on the “off day,” if anyone had been kicked out of the program, who lost their bed, or any new guys that had been let in even though we aren’t taking any new guys into the program just because we are over-crowded as is. I still remained in my “funk” and barely talked to anyone.

(All text courtesy of www.biblegateway.com )

Go ahead and give in…pansy!!!

That is what I tell myself most days. Well, that is at least how I have gotten to the place I am in right now. I didn’t really have much Manly Man time growing up. I didn’t receive the “Birds and Bees” talk until I was like 15…I think. No real intro into Manhood…

I keep going over and over this in my head when we have meetings at the Village. Some of the guys are just amazingly dull. They aren’t stupid, they just don’t think three and four moves down the road. (I am not any better in most cases.) So why is that? Why am I not much further along than they? I have been pondering this for the passed weeks…

I have been reading/studying this book called Boundaries. It deals with how to set realistic goals for yourself to protect you from sin…basically. This isn’t a “Welcome to the Push Over’s Club” handbook. This is a hands down, girded loins, strong-willed, okay-to-offend biblical approach to protect yourself and your own family. Moving away from abusive relationships, understanding when to say NO and being able to stand up for yourself kind of book. A much needed idea for today’s men…self included.

So where does this find me? I have heard it said before that I am a student and teacher of this subject. I am learning what defines me as I find out what God has designed me to do. I am finding more and more that I am unique and not like anyone else…even my own family. I am finding even more just how jealous and awesome God is and how strong Jesus is. Good Lord, God is amazing. I mean, just the ability to strike a man and woman down because they weren’t completely forth coming about how much they made? Opening up the earth to swallow a whole people just for being associated with a couple of no-good bums? Really, I mean, Jesus standing up, with a fat tattoo on his thigh, robe and sword dipped in blood and telling the angels to bind up Lucifer and toss into Hell with everyone else…well, please don’t excuse my language, but that kind of Jesus just KICKS ASS!!! No way I would stand up with the kind of Jesus that I was taught about growing up…The truth is that God is amazing in that He can have such different calls for just a few people. I am excited about seeking God more and finding out what God is designing in my heart.

And here is the best part, I know that if I get off track or start to pull anything but a white-knuckled, on-the-honkin-edge life for Christ that I will be receiving the ass kickin’ right along with old Luci. If I am warm, God will yak me out of his mouth.

So, should I go ahead and give in…to God, yes. To the world, not a chance.

God, keep me strong for your will. I don’t want to die down or fizzle out like I usually do. I want to bring the gospel to the world and praise you the whole time. I want to seek you and find you and I just need a heart to seek you with. (No, I’m not the Cowardly Lion) God, I pray you would just bust my chops any time I am even starting to slack. I pray that when the time comes for the glory to come that I will have the humility and wisdom to step out of the way and make sure that I don’t get a bit of it.

Neglected!!!

I have been neglecting the blog-a-loo here. I have started a new weight-loss blog at http://fatsobad.blogspot.com so you can go and check it out. It is just my journey through losing weight and getting healthy again. By the way, that journey has just recently begun so there isn’t as much there.

-As for an update, the beard growing is going well. As of today, I am on Day 96 and am looking QUITE bushy.

-Lovely and I are approaching week 28 of our pregnancy with our fourth little’en and yes, we are excited about it.

-The Village is still rocking and rolling (not crack rocking and weed rolling) along. We opened up the Downtown Church as a facility to house more guys. We now float between 45 – 50 guys. All the guys need help with getting their life back on track. While some are further along in the process, they all…strike that, WE all need help and a whole ton of Jesus.

Between a new life coming and getting healthy so I can hopefully see more days…life is grand. Not without drama, but it is grand. Besides, God is still God whether I am 800 lbs without kids too. Without God, I wouldn’t be here at all. Thank you for your love and sacrifice of sending Your Son to us.

"CocoChinnis everybody?"

The funniest thing happened last night. My lovely wife and little girl picked me up from work. I was exhausted due to wading through all of the drama of the day, my lovely wife (who IS pregnant) was tired and it was nearly 7:30 p.m. when we left the Village office. So I mentioned that we should just go for mexican food and I would be glad to pick up the tab on this one. So we drive a couple of miles away to grab some good Mexican food over on the more ritzy part of town.

Once we get there and have a seat, Lovely and I were chatting and making lovey-dovey looks at one another. Then all of a sudden Little B starts talking. I look over to make sure that she is included in the conversation and she keeps saying something, but we couldn’t figure it out. Lovely and I are making our most educated guesses on what she was saying. Finally, Lovely blurts out, “I need a mop??” Then I clued in…it was the music!!! Feliz Navidad! It was playing on the Mexi-cali muzak. We laughed hardily!!!

After the eating, we decided to walk off our overeating. Went to the bookstore a few doors down…Little B and I pal around nearly the whole time. We had a blast just playing with the toys and reading books from the kids’ section. It was some good Pop Pop and Goose time. As we are walking out she sees the coffee section of the store and asks for some “coffee milk.” I tell her that I would make some when we got home.

We hopped in the Jeep and kept kidding around with the “I need a mop”…then, out of nowhere, Little B holds up her hand like she is holding a cup and asks, “Cocochinnis, everybody?!?”

“WHAT?!?!?”

Then it clicks…We had rented Santa Claus 3 where at one point Jack Frost (Martin Short) asks for a Cocochino (instead of a cappachino). That prompted a quick stop at the Celestial Cowboy for a “Cocochino” for my little munchkin.

Another day, another bust

This just takes the cake…

So we have just fired the second staff person at the Village.  Yep…sure did.  Why?  Well, boils down to people with drug addictions are only as strong as they allow God to be.  The first staff guy, we'll call him “Sleepy” for the sake of anonimity.  He had been into drugs before, but said that he had 2 years clean.  He had worked with several other programs in the state over the past years.  Well, he fell back into drug use and soon swiped a loot of money from the guys in and over the program.  I am not sure where he is right now, but we still pray for him.

Now we have, we'll call him…”Doc.”  He is ultra-knowledgeable about drugs and their effects.  how to pass a urine test when you are using drugs and all.  He was here for a short time…about a month or so.  Ends up swiping a lump of loot, the Village scooter, and some donuts.  Drug binge overnight and now he is packing his stuff.  We have been able to get the scooter back, but the money is gone.  The donuts…sadly, were smushed and molded in the storage compartment under the seat of the scooter. 

While this is a sad day just in the fact that there aren't really a ton of people that we can really trust, it makes me thankful for the friends and family around me that I have been blessed with.  Oh how easy it is to pass by the ones who you call friend and not encourage and remind of your appreciation.

Let your friends and family know of your love.

Years + too much food =

Yup…you guessed it…fat.

Now sure, you can wrap it up into cute little terms like pudge or water weight or “you’ve let yourself go.” You can tough it up and say, “Goo, Chunky, or even Porker, but when you boil it all down, the truth is that the older you get, the more you have to watch your food intake and exercise. Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying. I watch my food intake, but it is more of watching it as each bite enters my mouth and eventually packs on the poundage. Oh, and exercise? Thinking doesn’t qualify. Neither does watching Gilad (that Italian dude on FitTV that has been on for years)…nope, doesn’t make the list.

So why bring this up? Well, my wife and I were daydreaming about our days that we first started courting and all. Then a guy passed by us. Then I asked her the question that no man should ever ask his bride and vice versa. “Would you prefer me to keep my physique or look more like I did when we were courting?” Now, as a bit of a background to this…when I was in 10th grade I was pushing about 215 lbs and decided that I weighed too much. Then dropped about 50 pounds over about 9 months. I stayed around the 170 lbs mark until I left for college. Gained about 10 lbs of muscle and about 20 lbs of pizza…erghm, fat. When my wife and I started courting in the fall of ’02 I was a solid 220 lbs. Stocky, but a little soft (like a teddy bear). Since that time I am more teddy bear than stocky at a whopping 25? lbs or so.

So here is the absolutely ridiculous part…I have lost my weight before. I know what it takes for me to lose a lot of weight. It is actually not difficult for me to lose. So what gives?!? Why am I still packin’ on the “lbs?” Well, it isn’t convenient to lose weight. Truth be told, that is. I mean, you have to eat differently, your clothes don’t fit right so you have to go out and buy new ones. then people compliment you “Oh my, you have lost some weight haven’t you?” Makes me want to ask them why they didn’t have the “nerve” to come up to me and ask something like, “Hey, your gut…is THAT where they hid Jimmy Hoffa?” Then again, I’m not getting younger and we are expecting a new bundle of joy at the end of March/start of April.

So I am on a journey…a long one. I know that diets don’t EVER work, but you actually have to change your lifestyle to effectively lose weight. I am putting this out there for a few reasons:

1) I know that some of the ones reading know what I am talking about…it is just the stats on it…3/4 of Alabamians are obese…
2) This is sort of a public announcement for some accountability
3) This is actually a biblical thing. There are a lot of references to keeping your body healthy. Sure, a few of them speak that it is in vain, but that is only if you are seeking that more than God or it is effecting your relationship/time/etc with God. Paul talks a good bit about it. (He must have been a runner, i guess)

Anyway. Blog-followers out there, just know that I am going to be working harder to make this state less of a Chunk of blubber. I might not make that much of a difference dropping a hopeful 50-60 lbs, but at least I will be able to teach my kids self-control honestly.

Ready to bail…

I must confess that I drive one of the top auto maker's vehicles that are pushing for a bail out from the government. One of the brands says that the company will call bankrupt by the end of the month if the Gov doesn't help out. Maybe it is because God basically gave us a vehicle, but I don't really think that the government (yes, the same one that is so far in debt itself) should be going into debt even more to bail out a company, let alone multiple companies that supplied more than what was being demanded by the public. It boils down to 10th grade economics for the most part.

Of course the catch is that the employees of said companies will be the ones taking the biggest hit. The owners and execs will have enough financial backing to invest in something else in order to keep their money going. The middle and lower socio-economic classes that, for the most part, live paycheck to paycheck will cause the economy to further bite the dust…

Well, since this type of entry is unusual, I will digress…

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

the breath of life…

This has been a while, but I just felt like sharing this moment with you who read this blog.

AJ and I were tag-teaming against the Village on a Friday work-day a few months back. There was this Villager who kept creeping off the path and seemingly doing the wrong thing. After bringing it to his attention that day he begins to frantically explain the wayward actions.

“Well, I got a call last week that the girl I have been sneaking off to see is pregnant. She wants an abortion because I am here at the Village and she is in school and it would interrupt everything.”

Now this was during a VERY difficult time for me and it was not receiving well. You see, at that moment, MY wife was on bed-rest with a pregnancy. We had had two babies die during miscarriage before this time. Both AJ and I told him that he should talk to her and let her know that this is not her only option. At about the same time, both AJ and I said, separately, that we would each pay the doctor bills and raise the child as our own. AJ mentioned that he had several children and one more wouldn’t be crazy for them. I took him to the side and explained mine and my wife’s situation. I told him that I do not make much money, but that I would do whatever I had to do to make sure that their baby was cared for and raised in a good Christian home. I think that he saw my heart. For the first time during my employment at the Village I let the issues get to me and I welled up with tears. I begged him to talk with her about the situation and my offer to complete pay for all medical bills and adopt the child as our own. He said that he would.

A few days later, he calls me up…I could tell that he was disturbed by something. He simply called to tell me (with his voice shaking) that she borrowed the money to get the abortion. I thanked him for his phone call and hung up the phone. I admit that I mourned the loss of that little life. Sure he/she was only about 2 months big, but the truth is that there was a life that was taken away by human hands and a quick-fix attitude. I hope and pray that that sweet little baby is worshiping Jesus right next to my two kiddos that are up there. I also pray that the mother of that sweet child will forgive herself down the road for the life that she had taken. I pray that God will show her the grace and mercy that covers our pain in our sin. Not that I was sinned against, but I hope that she knows that she is loved and not frowned upon for her decision. Instead, I pray for her blessing and her call that God has on her life.

24 + 16 = ???

I never really thought that math could be so amazing and abstract. I was taught that 1+1 is ALWAYS 2. And that 2×2 is ALWAYS 4. But it really isn’t so. See if you get my drift…

24+16=04+02

3+1= 6

=) > 0+

These are just a few things that come to mind. Let me explain…

As of tomorrow (in about an hour from now) we will be 24 weeks pregnant. That will mean that we have about 16 weeks until our new baby will be here. That will make us a family of four and we also have two children that are ahead of us and worshiping Jesus.

Raygen, Bonnie, and myself will be adding the new baby to our family name, so really that will make us a family of 6. We will never forget our children who are with Jesus. They mean the world to us.

Psalm 127 – Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.

I am looking forward to seeing, laying hands on, and praying over our newborn in the coming months.

Buddy, I am still praying over your name. Your mom-mom has already picked out your name if you are a little girl. It is a beautiful name, sure to match the beauty that God has already placed in you. I will give you your name if you are a little boy. It is a secret. I already have picked out your first name. It is a mighty name, worthy of the calling that God is placing on your life and your heart right now…even in your mom-mom’s tummy. I bless you as you grow. I pray that you will listen as God speaks to you and that you will know God’s voice well.