Category: Uncategorized

Wonder and Amazement

I was driving up to the Huntsville/Madison part of Alabama this a.m. to pick up some guys from work.  Most of the way there and back I honestly don't remember since I was basically asleep, nodding off, and running off the road and the jerking the wheel when I started running over the little “HEY, PAL!!!  YOU'RE RUNNING OFF THE HONKIN' ROAD AND ABOUT TO KILL YOURSELF!!!” noise maker strip on the side of the shoulder…But there were a few things I do remember. 

There is nothing like a fall morning as the fog (not smog) is starting to rise and sun is poking out of just a few clouds onto the amber, orange, and apple colored trees below.  It was just great.  and in that moment, as cliche as that sounds, I really do feel like God wanted me to see that.  It was like God was shining light and promise to the trees that though they will soon enter a time of barrenness and cold, that His hope and mercy will not forsake them and His face will shine upon those trees again soon.  You see, this can tie into a lot of the situations that God has been growing me through in recent months and weeks.  I want nothing but respect to come through these words and encouragement to come through these words so I do not feel free to give out many details.  I will say that God has been showing me some things in my heart that are not fruit that is represented in Galatians 5.  I, too often, can be quick-tempered and without compassion. 

No matter the situation…no matter how easy or difficult it may be, work as unto the Lord.  I honestly don't think that anyone could actually achieve this because God never sleeps or slumbers and there is no end to His might.  He works non-stop, I believe.  I mean, just because I am not praying while I sleep doesn't mean that He isn't hearing 4 Billion prayers while I am silent.  It is character and attributes that are constant and never-changing.  God is never-changing.  His method, seems to change just a little bit, but his level of acceptance does not change.  It is the heart of the person (man, woman, child) that He looks at.  It really is amazing when you slow down or stop and think about just how much and how expansive God REALLY is.  I mean, to hear MY prayers?  Why would my prayers be as important as someone who is dying or someone who is going through some sort of personal loss?  I mean, my prayers seem so petty next to that.  Then again, when you are seeking God's face on the call that He has for your life and you are asking for continued direction and guidance, then, just maybe, it is as important. 

God, I pray that You would shine Your face upon me like the sun shown on those fall trees today.  Not just to warm me up, but God as nutrients and food for me.  To help me see when things seem a little dim and the fog is all around me.  You give me life and shelter in the cleft of Your rock.  Your guidance never fails.  Thank you, Father for Your acceptance of me into your Kingdom as joint heirs with Christ.  I pray that You would empower me to continue to fight the good fight and to live in such a manner that Your heart is pleased.  Amen.

Thursday=Sunday

I am off of work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those are the best days of the week for me. I get to have “family fun days” with my wife and little girl. It is a little odd trying to get out of the routine on Tuesday, then back into it on Wednesday, and then out of it again on Thursday. Tuesday is usually a bust. I am so exhausted by that point that I usually just sleep until about 9 a.m. or so (which is about 4 or so hours after I normally wake up).

So why do I bring this up? Well, I was just thinking about it. I ran into one of my former co-workers from SU the other day. She asked how things were going with the Village and all. I told her that things are moving along and that the program is growing and giving opportunity to help even more guys each week. Then she asked if I ever missed my old desk job. I told her honestly, “Yes. Some days I do.” Then I went on to explain that when I have just put in the 75th hour of the work week and you still have another day or so before another off day…I miss the time clock. I miss the simplistic day-to-day routine of knowing what I was going to do that day. Monday would always include responding to the e-mails and returning phone calls from over the weekend, a little bit of filing, processing consolidation forms and the list goes on. The best part was that at the end of my 7.5 hour work day, if I didn’t finish…I could just pick it up the next business day. Then my former co-worker asked me a question that I was not in any way ready for…”Are you okay? Are you sick? Do you sleep anymore?” At the time, I could answer all of those questions with one word…”No.” I was not okay. I actually was not sick even though she was talking about terminally ill kind of sick, and, No, I rarely sleep anymore.

I got pretty bitter after that. It came through and out of my work that I was frustrated and bitter. I got to the point that I was so short-tempered that the guys would just avoid me altogether. Just in case you didn’t know…that isn’t a good thing. That is surely not productive and shows absolutely NO evidence of Christ in my heart or in my life. So…about that time, vacation came around on the calendar. It was a much needed break.

God really convicted me about my heart and my attitude about the work issues. I still have a long way, but one of the guys actually came up to me today and mentioned that he noticed that I was much calmer and gentle on the phone. He asked if I would mind if he just dealt with me over the phone from now on. I told him about the bitterness and how I had allowed my heart to be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Heb 3). I told him that while I was on vacation that God really convicted me of my heart’s condition toward these guys and their habits. He just simply nodded. Then he said something that really just set me back…Just really encouraged me. He said,

“I have been praying for you. I know that you are under a lot of stress. I just figured the best way to help you would be to pray for you…especially while you were on your vacation.”

Thanks LJ for the prayers. We all need them. And most important, thank you, God for making my heart soft and pliable through this time and this work.

Sometimes I look around and think…

“WHAT?!?!?!”

Sometimes life/work/play/EVERYTHING just makes absolutely NO sense.  Life just flies by and I never have a chance to do anything about it.  I don't think that I would want to watch it just pass by me, but, then again, working at such a clip that you don't even remember what you did on your off day because you are so exhausted isn't much to boast in either.  So what is the balance?  So makes life make sense?  Not much.

I will be honest.  Most days I lose my focus in the grind of dealing with 50 guys and their drug addictions and their issues…Them dealing with their issues with crack/cocaine, marijuana, or any of the other drug choices there are on the street.  Also dealing with the deceit that comes along with a life full of conning people and lying to get their next fix.  It is rare that anyone is genuine…VERY rare.  I am constantly trying to live an example to break these guys mindsets of what people think of them.  I too often forget that it has taken a LONG time for them to get to that point and I just want them to hurry and listen to me so they can mentally be freed of the mindset and stigma that they put on themselves.  It is truly a daily fight.  Some days that means drug testing a house and being let down because the one person you thought was getting it together popped positive for drug use.  Some days that is kicking out guys that feels that they need no help.  Some days that is literally restraining someone from trying to hurt another person in the program OR staff person(s).  So, when does it end?  Would Jesus come in here and pound on their thick skulls until they understood that God saves, substance abuse doesn't?  How would Jesus respond to someone that doesn't trust him?  Would Jesus reach out and cast out the demons that obviously plague the guy OR would He commission the guy to do something that sounded so crazy that it would be ridiculous to NOT trust?  This is where confusion enters my soul. 

I am an emotional skeleton.  I have nothing left after the 15+ hour days are through.  Nothing for my family I drag in and collapse.  I am at the end of what little wit I have left and I find desire no longer to be tormented by these long and endless days.  This is proof that I am in no way like God.  Our Lord and Savior has been doing this since time began…all of the pain and disappointment. I mean, hell, I am only working with 50 guys…I could not even think about billions of people over the centuries.  The truth is there is no escape from the unsaved.  There is no release from the things that God lays on our hearts.  In the Psalms, David runs for years, running away from Saul's men.  I'm sure he had a day like I have.  I mean, to use the self-restraint and control that he used to be close enough to Saul to have killed him three times and didn't, despite Saul's constant attempt to have David killed.  The time that he (David) spent running…was that to build his character and strength with God and fondness for Saul?  Or was it God allowing David to be refined by causing Saul's heart to be so hardened against God and David? 

So, to my anxious thoughts about who will go on a drug/alcohol binge tomorrow…to my emotionally deceased heart…to my frantic mind trying to process this non-stop sin roller-coaster…  Just hold on to God for another day.  After all, He is the reason you have life anyway.  God will change your circumstances when He is ready.  God will call you to His plan, just listen.  He may call you to more training somewhere else.  He may call you to remain steadfast.  All of life's trials are to make you more mature after all.  Breathe in God.  Just breathe.

Hello from the great state of…

VACATION!!!

The beard growing still continues. See, this is where if I were in the Whiskerino contest that I would be kicked out of the contest. I haven’t posted a beard pic in over 10 days now. So is that a huge issue? Nope. Not to me. Actually, I am still growing and am on Day 24 as of today.

Other than that, I have been on vacation with my wife and our little girl. We drove out to Texas to visit with family that we have out there. They have been gracious to let us take up a bedroom of theirs and eat some of their food. We have had a blast. We went to the Dallas Zoo on Tuesday and have just relaxed and taken it easy for the rest of the week. We have spent most days on the front porch of their beautiful home blowing bubbles with Bonnie, our little girl. This week has been a much needed break from the Village and the rest of the grind that is everyday life. With putting in close to 85+ hours per week into the Village and trying to spend time with family between the drama that comes from said Village guys, it is a drain on anyone’s energy. I am grateful for the staff that have allowed me to have the time off to just relax and heal up from all of the time that I didn’t sleep. Sure this next week will probably hit me like a ton of freakin’ bricks, but at least I would have gotten some rest before hand.

Well, I am going to go and grab the last nap for today. Tomorrow we drive back to BHM. I hate to see this vacation end, but if anyone could just stay on vacation and get paid I don’t think that it would still feel like a vacation. A man must work to provide for his family. If he doesn’t…shame on him.

Update and more…Day 11

Today was an interesting day. In one way it was at a relaxed pace, but in another way it has been a bit hectic. Not overwhelming, just hectic. All in all, a good productive day. Did I get done everything that I needed to get done…not quite, but a good 85%…yes. That just leaves some more fun for tomorrow.

For an update or two…My little girl turns two on Sunday. yep, she is all “grow’d up.” I will have photos up as soon as I can. She had a great time. She had a request for her birthday. She wanted me to play the “music-tar” and sing “HappBirday” to her. With much pleasure did I do so.

As for the beard, I have been growing for eleven days now. The hairs are starting to touch my lip. I know that I can push through this phase. It is a VERY LONG phase, but I will persevere. (much sarcasm with the last statement).

Anywho.. Here is a Day 11 Photo of the beard growing—

Daily Thoughts

I need to learn to count…Count sheep? Count money? Count my hair? (not likely)

James 1 says that no matter what life throws at me that I should count it all joy. I should look at life with a sparkle in my eye and hope in my heart. Hope? Sure, that thing that a lot of people have lost these days. The days of the stock market falling, no real “stand-up” person for President or Vice-Pres. Banks being bought up like crazy (mine was just bought by another company…wonder how that will work out). Government spending going through the roof to repair the damage it has done to the economy through it’s own actions. I digress…

OR when life gets ridiculous. Work goes crazy…Kids are a little more zany than normal…You are wound up tighter than you can handle. Friends dying left and right…whether at the fate of their own hand or a criminal shooting at them. Parents being parents. Grandparents being grandparents. I mean, there is just no end.

This is a good thing. That means that we are constantly being refined by God’s hands. Our character is being molded into the character of God and we are formed into “little Christs.”

Hope. It isn’t that far fetched of an idea. Trust, though it seems stupid to do, it isn’t all that bad. Love, is a must. Unguarded and real. Faith…Yes.

Count it off…Through your days, do these things: Hope, Trust, Love, and have Faith.

Count ALL things (both good and bad) all joy for God is the King of all and the creator of all. He is big enough to know where you are today. He knows your heart and what you can handle. He will not test you unnecessarily. If life becomes too much, call on Jesus. Ask Him for His yoke for it is light…not to say that it will be a piece of cake…just to say that God is willing to love us enough to grow us…

Life is a school room…

I seem to learn more about myself the more I am around the people that I help each day. A lot of days go by that are very difficult. Different situations, different people…Personality and character conflicts, and more. Each offers its own challenge. In the previous months I just got frustrated and blow up at the issue and even at the mention of the issue. I am trying to take a different approach (key word being: trying) to the day-to-day issues that life throws at me.

My lovely wife and I were talking the other day about my work. I had gotten fired up about something that was going on (or wrong), and after a bit of rambling on about being upset I just told her that I was going to shut up and spare her the details of my frustration. Not because she didn’t care or didn’t want to hear it, but because it wasn’t edifying to her nor to the individual and issue that I was discussing. There was a long silence (about 10 minutes)…nothing. Not a noise or phone or anything. Then, my lovely spoke these gentle words (and I do, very truly, mean gentle)…”Sweetheart, I love you…no matter what. You are a great husband and wonderful dad. Your character is stronger than this. Here, read this…” Then she handed me a book and I went off to read it for a few minutes.

She was SO right. Now, instead of blowing up at a situation or issue or whatever, I wait. Sure I still get frustrated and I want to blow my top, BUT I just try to wait until the issue has come to a close (I usually facilitate some quick closure) and spend some time going through what made me so frustrated. What caused the issue? Why did I react that way? What pushed me to be frustrated? or What made me more patient with this person and not that person?

This has seemed to make a little more difference in how I am dealing with my family and also with my work. I find myself getting less angry…less often. Which is good all the way around.

So when life is throwing you a fastball of angriness. Just wait, be patient, and consider your heart in all of it. Is God really proud of the way that you handled these issues? Does your attitude and your heart reflect true Christlikeness?

I hope so. I pray you don’t have to learn this. I hope that you already know how to deal with all of life so that you don’t have to go through this. BUT if you do, just know that you are not all alone. There is at least one other person that is going through the same exact thing.

What is the meaning????

So I think I am a little confused…
 
Why would someone talk about how much control God has on your life and He is the source of hope to ALL your problems?  Well, we should talk about that.  That actually helps others in their faith.  But do this…throw this same thought in with at least 5 beers into the person that is saying it.  What, then, is the testimony?  Isn't it really God+alcohol is the hope to all?  That was just one of my experiences tonight.  This got me thinking…
 
There are a lot of great guys in the program where I work.  You have guys that honestly and truly want to get better and want God to completely change who they have been, who they are, and who they will be…AND allow the change to happen.  You have guys that will tell you that their life is just fine and they don't need any help.  You have guys that know that God is there, but haven't come to that place in life and are just “not ready.”  Then there are the guys that actually make up a majority of the church today (self included here)…
 
I have heard it said that the only thing wrong with the church is that it is made of People.  (kind of like Soilent Green, but a little different…thanks Charlie Heston).  We (speaking generally and knowing that there are exceptions to this), we go to church on Sundays or Wednesdays or Saturdays or whenever.  We go in and sing the songs and listen to the preacher preach/teacher teach/pastor past/bishop…bishop.  We give a couple dollars and call it good.  No real thought is put into the sermon unless it gave us goose-pimples or mentioned a bigger paycheck because God wants you to be rich (which doesn't really seem to line up to scripture a ton).  We pray when life is hard or gets to being more than we can handle…or we are about to eat.  And then, at times, it can be like my little girl prays at dinner, “Thank you.  Food/Bites.  Amen.  Yah!!!”  
 
Here is where I will make it personal…just my personal reflection on my heart…
 
My heart?, it blows!!!!  I'm not any better than the drunk guy I talked to tonight about God.  At least he was talking about God.  I usually clam up when it comes to subjects that I don't know much about.  I know enough bible verses to walk my way around a little, but I couldn't stand toe to toe with any major issues.  I know some of the “feel good” verses that you tell someone that is going through a hard time.  I know some of the “it could be worse” verses that make other's problems not so big.  I know some of the verses that talk about how a husband should treat his wife.  (this, I try to stay up on…)  But (if you can look at the truth of this next statement) what the hell makes me an effective Christian? 
 
Thoughts????
 
Not much.  Sure, I will pray for someone if they ask me to, but I should be praying for them anyway…before they even ask me to do that for them. 
 
How can I know what to pray if I don't know God's words?  How can I give encouragement, when I don't know the “truth” they need to hear?  How can I stand up for Christ, when I just know the basics about what He has done for me?
 
I have heard that some people just do enough to get “fire insurance” as a Christian.  Well, I don't want to be a “Christian” any freakin' more.  I want to actually be a Christ-follower.  And not to get caught up in the next new catch phrase that is “sold on a coffee cup at your local Christian bookstore.”  I mean, I really want to do this. 
 
So what does this mean?  Accountablilty.  I need to meet with men that are “higher up on the food chain.”  One good thing is that I work for a great guy that is WAY further along.  I need to meet and talk and pray and do!!!! 
 
So, as off-color and offensive as this will be to some readers out there…This is my prayer tonight.
 
Jesus.  I know that you are interceding on my behalf.  I know that more is expected of me than just the measly mess I do.  So this is what I ask…I pray that you would spiritually “kick my ass.”  And I pray that you would put people in my life that would be your “hands and feet (as the songs say) to help You kick my ass.  You deserve a better follower.  My wife deserves a godly husband.  and my little girl (and baby on the way) deserve a God-fearing daddy/father.  I know that you will do this.  I have run off of the course and am running aimlessly at this point.  God, I sincerely pray that you will “crash in.”  Amen.
 
 
Until next time…

As quiet as the night sky…

I live in the city.  I mean, smack dab in the middle of it.  two blocks west is the industrial part of the city.  Three blocks north, offices and warehouses and more business stuff.  One block south…architect firms, doctor's offices, the ASO office, and more.  Two blocks east…the park.  So I live all around it and it around me.  But tonight is somehow a little different.  Maybe its something to do with knowing that we have another baby on the way.  Maybe it is just the end of a fairly productive day.  Could be anything right about now, but tonight is a little different.
 
Here it is, 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting out on the front porch of the house.  All I can hear are some bugs (crickets and things), a train in the distance (Paul Simon probably won't get a royalty off of that mention), the faint sound of constant traffic on the interstate that is about 18 blocks away and a slight breeze from the east. It is just enough to make a few leaves rub together and make a sound.  The sky is ever so slightly clouded, but still clear.  It is peaceful outside.  No police sirens…No ambulance…No gunshots or other “city sounds.”  It is peaceful tonight.  As I slowly breathe in and out, meditating on each breath, I feel the day's stress exiting my body…the anxiety I had earlier just releasing breath by breath.  It is in moments like this that I am focused.  It is moments like this where I feel I can hear God.  I am so thankful to be alive today…something I would never imagine that I would say even a few months ago.  I am pleased with my wife, my daughter, our new baby.  I am thankful that God stands on His promises even though we back out on ours.  He truly has not forsaken us.  This is odd to me.  Well, not really odd, exactly, but definately not something that I am familiar with.
 
So here I am, just me and a bunch of words flowing through my mind and through my fingertips.  I am tired, but not exhausted.  I am happy, but not overly so.  I am excited about the future, but am trying just to live today.  I want to live and stand on God's promises for today.  I am not promised tomorrow.  I can only praise God in this moment.  So I will. 
 
So I will.
 

 

Facial Hair Identity

Hello, dear readers. This will be a slightly random post, but less random than the last post.

I don’t know why this is and if I am the only one that this affects, but here goes…

I kind of see how Samson (in the Bible) could be so drastically changed by the cutting of his hair. I mean, sure, the Bible truly says that his power was in the length of his hair. I believe that to be true because the Bible is without error. But here is how this plays out in my life.

Everytime I trim or shave my facial hair I seem to change a little. Almost like my personality is dictated by the form of my beard (or lack there of…) Here are some examples.

When I have a fully grown beard, I feel confident, relaxed, but in control.

When I have a smoothly shaved face I lack confidence, anxious, and controlled by others.

When I have a goatee, I feel kind of like what Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh). Down-trodden and depressed.

When I have the chin stripe, I feel jazzy, cool, and that my name should change to something Italian which is part of my heritage. (this is where I feel most like myself, by the way, but my wife absolutely loathes the chin stripe)

When I have the “Amish Beard,” oddly enough, I feel a little cocky and prideful (probably because I grow one so well)

Now I am trying the Fu Manchu. I haven’t quite figured this one out. This is kind of new to me. It is more external than internal. It is more like I feel that I should wear cut off plaid shirts and steeltoed boots. Like I should drive a MASSIVE old truck with mud tires on it. Like anything that I own should have a Dale Earnhardt Sr. sticker on it…even my John Deere tractor. (for the record, I don’t own a John Deere, but I have been thinking about it this week)

So, needless to say, I feel a bit confused…a bit off-the-rocker. I have never been a fan of racing. I am not talking down to those who are, I’ve just never found it exhilerating. I have never really liked to wear plaid, but after I tried one on this week at Wal-Mart, I liked it. I found myself asking the dressing room lady if she could run to the sewing isle to get a pair of scissors so I could cut off the arms. She would not…I had to pay for it first.

I did pass right by all of the $7.00 t-shirts with John Deere and the hats with the same. But I will confess that I DID stop and look through the Dickies section.

Is my neck turning red?? Uhm…I kind of hope not…We’ll see.

Until next time….Go Dale Jr (just kidding)