Month: January 2009

"Near…Far" says Grover.

I think that it is grand that when ever I begin to take a stand for God and the call that He has placed on my life, that the world is against me on it…and, to a point, against God on it as well.

So a few weeks ago, I had been praying through my returning to the classroom, not as a teacher but as the student. I have been met with a good bit of opposition on this…surprisingly.

One person told me that I don’t have to go to seminary to be a pastor. True. But how much further along in the process would I be if I did? I have known some pastors on both sides of the knowledged fence…some seminary and some non-seminary pastors. I think that the delivery of a message has more to do with God speaking on someone that is a willing vessel and is called than anything else. Of my own opinion, the men that I know that have gone to seminary are just a small cut above those who have not.

Another: “Jesus didn’t go to seminary! Why would you have to go?” True. Jesus DIDN’T go to seminary. But the Jewish schooling back in the day of Jesus was amazing that by the time he was fifteen or so, he had all of the “Canon,” Prophets both major and minor, Wisdom, and the rest of what we know as the old testament MEMORIZED!!! I am no where near that.

So why is it that when you make a stand for God that you get blasted with stuff?

In the last two weeks, I have been hit with two different job offers (one would be helping others by helping to find jobs and the other would be to orchestrate and lead a gathering of believers) and then some personal stuff as well. My wife and I find out that we are going to be high-risk birthers, pretty much, from now on. There is more to it than that, but I don’t want to give too much out right now. (This is a public forum, by the way.) So, why does everything hit all at one time? I don’t think God is plotting on me. I think He is just letting life happen and maybe, somewhat like Job, my faith is being proven?

I must admit that I was side-tracked a bit the past two weeks. All of these possibilities and all leading to leadership-type roles. But they all point away from what God as told me that I am to do. Completely head up and organize and lead a church? Well, 1 Timothy and Titus (plus a few others) have some qualifications that point to the fact that I may not be equipped to do that right now though that is along the lines of what I am going to be looking at doing after seminary.

Then the whole health thing…

I am just glad that God is constant. He is forever. Forever?

So what does that mean to me in the meantime? Study my eyes out of their sockets. Get as much biblical knowledge as I can and tell people about Jesus. Whatever I am studying needs to be talked about ALL DAY LONG in my conversations, prayers, and songs.

Oh, and when the time comes for the family to move to another state for schooling, I will lead them in that. We will go. This is not a move due to fear and resentment as it has been before.
This move is a move toward God and his call…not away from.

When there is so much on my plate that I need to re-enforce the siderails on my plate, I will not back down from the fight. God is my sole source of strength and life. It is ONLY by His words that I live and breathe and have the ability to call Him God. So is there a fight? Bible says, “Yes!” There are always prayers…intercessions that Jesus makes on your behalf and the Holy Spirit groans for you when you don’t have the words to pray. There are always supernatural things going on whether it freaks people out or not. Some people are more privy to it than others, but it is still there.

I am on God’s side. I want to fight for Him. So I will lay down my everything and arm myself with the Word of God and the truth that He has breathed on it. I will fight until God takes the fight out of me.

The "List"

So I received an e-mail a couple of weeks ago from one of the guys I go to church with.  He, in my opinion, is an upstanding young man that is one of the great leaders in our church.  (and I'm not saying that because he will read this) 
 
He sent out an e-mail to all of the guys from the church about how they have done this year on being leaders and elders in their own homes and in their own lives.  Well, like I said I got the e-mail a couple of weeks ago.  I have been milling it over for a while.  I have looked at the list and nearly deleted it about 5-6 times because I knew the answers to all, ALL, of the questions.  It is not a good sign…(hence the wanting to delete the e-mail so many times).  But still, I needed to look and check myself against these biblical markers for being a “Pastor” of your own home.  The scriptures come from 1 Timothy 3, Titus, and 1 Peter 5.
 
Well, I e-mailed him back just a few minutes ago.  It was pretty much at that point that I was dead set on blogging about this.  There is just too much at stake here. 
 
So the more I looked at the list of characteristics and answered them truthfully, the more I became angry and hard-hearted about how angry and hard-hearted I have become.  I will point out a few of these things that I am talking about (just so there is a frame of reference…)  Actually, I am just going to “Pony Up” and cut and paste the whole thing.  Why hide anything?!?  If I do, then I continue a lie that I continue to live.
 
-Above Reproach – not hardly.  I am more harsh and brash since working with the Village guys.  I have learned that I lack compassion and have very little love and kindness in my message.
-Not under compulsion to serve, but voluntary – rarely do I feel like volunteering to do anything – I can't blame it on anything but my cruddy attitude.
-The husband of one wife – except for the occasional thoughts…well, I guess it isn't as good as it seems.  Can't justify sin, can I?
-Not out for sordid gain, but serving with eagerness – serving with eagerness?  nope.  again, that is rare. I am not out for vicious or ill-gotten gain, but I am, honestly, not very eager to serve.
-Prudent – i don't think that I am wise in much of any way. 
-Not self-willed – in some instances I am truly not self-willed.  I really do want to help. 
-Respectable – I don't respect myself…how could anyone else
-Not quick tempered – I think I blew that one up when I killed my guitar some months back.  Not a strong point.
-Not lording over those in his authority, but proving to be examples – jury is still out on this one. I haven't figured out the meaning yet.
-Hospitable – again, no compassion.  not very hospitable…or approachable for that matter
-Not addicted to wine – i do well on this one, but then again, i don't really like alcohol.  it is pretty easy.  no brownie points here.
-Able to teach – i cannot honestly teach what I do not live.  so, no…i dont' think so.
-Not pugnacious – I had to look it up…I didn't get a passing grade on this one.
-Not fond of sordid gain – there is not much to gain for me
-Gentle – nope…my words are seldom life-giving anymore…truth be told
-Lover of what is good – at the end of the day…yes.
-Uncontentious – not hardly.  i am rarely without some contention, whether internal or external
-Sensible – most days…no. 
-Free from the love of money – for the most part…yes. 
-Just – i am not very partial to any one person.  I get short and ill-tempered at most everyone.
-Manages his household well – nope…never there to manage.
-Devout – honestly?  nope.  I don't ANY time for being devout…or so I convince myself… 
-Not a new convert – no, but i sure do act like a new convert sometimes.
-Self controlled – not much.  as the cliche goes, “I wear my heart on my sleeve” but my sleeve is VERY angry.
-A good reputation with those outside the church – don't think so.  People say good things, but I don't think there is any real good things to be said. 
-Holds fast the faithful Word—both to exhort and to refute – I refute more than anything.  i butt heads with just about anyone about anything these days. 
 
So what brings this about?  Why this openness?  Well, I was just taking a glance in 1 Timothy when I started reading the e-mail just a while ago.  When it mentions about Hymenaeus and Alexander and that they “shipwrecked” their faith…it caught my attention.  I don't think I am too far away from absolutely just chucking my faith out of the window.  I mean, I would never do that, but as the New Testament is full of examples, it is easy for “Christians” to assume that they are still “living their faith” but, in fact, they are just going through the motions to get their “10 year pin…” the outward “accomplishments that make them “look” like a good Christian, but the truth is that they couldn't be farther from the truth of a real Christian. 
 
I see examples each and every day of men in leadership around me.  I get to see their ups and downs.  I get to see their “everyday” self.  I don't place them on a pedestal far above me.  I look at them in the eye and my heart grows full of heartbreak.  These men go through life's toils and drama and respond well (mostly) and then I look at myself.  Some days I just watch them without saying a word and at the end of the day I tell myself that being a pastor is in NO way a desire for me…especially after they are treated the way some of these men get treated.  But then again, God is calling me to the same thing.  Shall I just gird my loins and “Pony Up” as I say?  Why don't i study and seek God's truth like these men?  Why?  Simple.  I am afraid.  I lack the “intestinal fortitude” to stand up and be counted.  On paper, Revelation's 144,000 men sound pretty flippin' awesome.  But step back and think about what that means.  All the crap those men have to go through to get there.  Am I even designed to be one of those men?  EVERYTHING in me says, “you will NEVER make it!!!”  Most days, I accept those lies.  I am thankful that our leaders don't believe that non-sense. 
 
I don't think I will ever add up the measures that God has set up in the scriptures.  While I have some days that I lack the energy to try to get as close to this as possible, that is always, and I do mean ALWAYS what I desire.  I fail every honkin' day.  If it isn't one thing it is another, but as long as God gives me breath in my lungs, I will try.  And the days I lack the energy…well, if I look that way, you just swiftly swat your foot at my hind-quarters and let me know that you notice. 
 
The truth is still the truth whether it is painful or comforting.  Truth me…alright?

Lusty Lusterson

Maybe you know what I am talking about here. Am I having lustful thoughts?…nope. I am talking about lust in the flesh. Anything that is meant for good can be twisted and corrupted into a sickening and sinful lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:22-26 says,

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no
law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions
and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26 Let
us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Any of these things can be perverted. Love could be turned to lust. Joy turned to malice. Longsuffering turned to discontentedness. Kindness to hatred. Goodness…You get the picture. Whatever OUR desires are, if not God’s heart, can simply and quickly turn into a trip down sin road.

Such has been my day today. I think I broke nearly all of these today in some shape form or fashion. (I’m just being honest here.)

I woke up alright, but the closer I got to going to work the more angry and resentful I became. No prayer seemed genuine. The moment I stepped out of the Jeepers and watched the family cruise off into the morning briskness, I just allowed myself to be more hard-hearted. I thought to myself, “Hell, I didn’t get a REAL off day yesterday. I deserve a day with my family where I don’t have to do a honkin’ thing except enjoy them.” (Again, I did mention honesty, right.) I went in and everything just continued to set me off even more. The server being down, the five guys that ALWAYS come at me with petty questions before I can enter the “safety” of the office. There was more…nothing seemed to sit well.

So after I greeted everyone politely, I told them that I was just going to be quite for a while. I was just going to try to work past the “grumpies” on my own. (That really didn’t work out at all.) So I began to get organized for the day, with all of the new paperwork on my desk. (All of this only covered about 15 minutes or so.) Now, trying to find out what I had missed on the “off day,” if anyone had been kicked out of the program, who lost their bed, or any new guys that had been let in even though we aren’t taking any new guys into the program just because we are over-crowded as is. I still remained in my “funk” and barely talked to anyone.

(All text courtesy of www.biblegateway.com )

Go ahead and give in…pansy!!!

That is what I tell myself most days. Well, that is at least how I have gotten to the place I am in right now. I didn’t really have much Manly Man time growing up. I didn’t receive the “Birds and Bees” talk until I was like 15…I think. No real intro into Manhood…

I keep going over and over this in my head when we have meetings at the Village. Some of the guys are just amazingly dull. They aren’t stupid, they just don’t think three and four moves down the road. (I am not any better in most cases.) So why is that? Why am I not much further along than they? I have been pondering this for the passed weeks…

I have been reading/studying this book called Boundaries. It deals with how to set realistic goals for yourself to protect you from sin…basically. This isn’t a “Welcome to the Push Over’s Club” handbook. This is a hands down, girded loins, strong-willed, okay-to-offend biblical approach to protect yourself and your own family. Moving away from abusive relationships, understanding when to say NO and being able to stand up for yourself kind of book. A much needed idea for today’s men…self included.

So where does this find me? I have heard it said before that I am a student and teacher of this subject. I am learning what defines me as I find out what God has designed me to do. I am finding more and more that I am unique and not like anyone else…even my own family. I am finding even more just how jealous and awesome God is and how strong Jesus is. Good Lord, God is amazing. I mean, just the ability to strike a man and woman down because they weren’t completely forth coming about how much they made? Opening up the earth to swallow a whole people just for being associated with a couple of no-good bums? Really, I mean, Jesus standing up, with a fat tattoo on his thigh, robe and sword dipped in blood and telling the angels to bind up Lucifer and toss into Hell with everyone else…well, please don’t excuse my language, but that kind of Jesus just KICKS ASS!!! No way I would stand up with the kind of Jesus that I was taught about growing up…The truth is that God is amazing in that He can have such different calls for just a few people. I am excited about seeking God more and finding out what God is designing in my heart.

And here is the best part, I know that if I get off track or start to pull anything but a white-knuckled, on-the-honkin-edge life for Christ that I will be receiving the ass kickin’ right along with old Luci. If I am warm, God will yak me out of his mouth.

So, should I go ahead and give in…to God, yes. To the world, not a chance.

God, keep me strong for your will. I don’t want to die down or fizzle out like I usually do. I want to bring the gospel to the world and praise you the whole time. I want to seek you and find you and I just need a heart to seek you with. (No, I’m not the Cowardly Lion) God, I pray you would just bust my chops any time I am even starting to slack. I pray that when the time comes for the glory to come that I will have the humility and wisdom to step out of the way and make sure that I don’t get a bit of it.

Neglected!!!

I have been neglecting the blog-a-loo here. I have started a new weight-loss blog at http://fatsobad.blogspot.com so you can go and check it out. It is just my journey through losing weight and getting healthy again. By the way, that journey has just recently begun so there isn’t as much there.

-As for an update, the beard growing is going well. As of today, I am on Day 96 and am looking QUITE bushy.

-Lovely and I are approaching week 28 of our pregnancy with our fourth little’en and yes, we are excited about it.

-The Village is still rocking and rolling (not crack rocking and weed rolling) along. We opened up the Downtown Church as a facility to house more guys. We now float between 45 – 50 guys. All the guys need help with getting their life back on track. While some are further along in the process, they all…strike that, WE all need help and a whole ton of Jesus.

Between a new life coming and getting healthy so I can hopefully see more days…life is grand. Not without drama, but it is grand. Besides, God is still God whether I am 800 lbs without kids too. Without God, I wouldn’t be here at all. Thank you for your love and sacrifice of sending Your Son to us.