Category: Uncategorized

Emergency Doc visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I’ve been taking this medicine for depression. Well, it is a study med. Well, the rules say that after 12 weeks being on the medicine that 1/2 of the study people would be started on a placebo and the other half would continue to receive the real med. Well, I ended up being placed on the placebo after the first 12 weeks. No good. I went on that nearly 4 weeks ago. Needless to say, I have not been very fun to be around lately.

So I could tell that I was approaching a point where I needed to either switch to a prescription med or something. so I e-mailed and told them what all was going on. Within about 30 minutes I was getting calls and e-mails. “Can you come in today?!?!?!?!? We can switch you today!!!”

So I zipped over to the doc’s office. Got blood taken, EKG (which was normal), blood pressure (it has never looked this good), and weight. Weight? Wait!!!!

Not to fret. I jumped up on the scales…yep, down to my 220s. I tried to push it down to 228, but it kept topping out, so 229 it is. That’s right folks…To date, I have lost 36 pounds and let me tell ya. I feel much better about my weight.

To my second child…

I miss you today. I’m sorry that I don’t miss you everyday. I should. I busy myself with work and nonstop activities where my thoughts don’t have time to slow down and process my hearts pangs. I feel that I do you an injustice because there are days that go by and I don’t think about you. It’s days like that that I wonder if I am a good father at all. Maybe that is just guilt for not grieving like I know I should. It is just too damn painful. I’m glad that you will never know pain like this.

Life is catching up with me though. So is my grief. There was a guy last night at a revival that I played. You don’t know him, but he sang this really good song. Now, I don’t really like the kind of music he plays, but this song superseded my petty musical taste. I fought the tears. The song spoke first of a dad looking into a nursery through the glass at his son. The baby looked at him as if to say “Who are you? I don’t believe I’ve ever met you. But I’m glad you’re here, you know heaven must have sent you. Now won’t you stay with me a while, I’ve never needed someone so. Who are you? I’d really like to know.” By the end of the song, it speaks of the son going to see his dad who has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know his own son. His dad says to his now grown son the same thing that he imagined his son as a baby would have said. “Who are you? I don’t believe I’ve ever met you. But I’m glad you’re here, you know heaven must have sent you. Now won’t you stay with me a while, I’ve never needed someone so. Who are you? I’d really like to know.”

So why did this song rip me to shreds? Well, I don’t know what you will look like in heaven. I know that we will be too busy worshipping God and giving honor and glory and we won’t be looking for each other. At the same time, it helps me to deal with your death. I’ve never met you and I know that I never will. I will never sit and rock you and watch you sleep. I’ll never hold you. I’ll never hear you laugh or talk or sing. You’ll never call me “Pop-Pop” or touch my face. You’ll never stare deeply into my heart when you look in my eyes. I’ll never take you to the park or take pictures of you or anything. I won’t watch you grow up to be an adult and follow Christ. Was I robbed of you? No. Do I feel that it was unfair? Yes, sometimes. There are parents that mistreat their kids or act like children are a burden. They beat their little ones and abuse them or allow them to be abused. All I want to do is to hug you, look you square in your eyes and into your heart and tell you that I love you and that I am so proud of you like I tell your sister. When she does something simple but huge for her like picking up a Cheerio and feeds herself I praise her for growing and I tell her that I love her and that I am proud of her. I just want the same for you. I know that the words of God are so much more touching and comforting to you. I bet that He looks on you and you feel that He is proud…that you actually feel it on your person…not just in your heart.

Your sister is nine months old today. She is saying Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom. She also says “Bite, bye-bye (with a wave), Hi (again, with a wave).” She is pulling up on nearly everything and will stand up with one hand steadying her. On occasion she will unknowingly let go of her steadying hand. Well, until she realizes what she is doing…then she reaches out to hold on again. She is wonderful. You are just as wonderful and beautiful. Psalm 127 says that you are like an arrow in the hand of a warrior and blessed is the man who has a quiver full of them. You are not forgotten.

As of today, you would have been born in right around three months. You would be nearly 6 months growing. Just know that you were and are fearfully (reverently) and wonderfully made. God knew and still knows your form as He knit you in your mommy’s womb. Did God take you? Yes. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it was because He wanted us to grow up more so we could help other couples in the same boat. (After your death, two more couples in our church lost their babies, within one month, the same way that we lost you.) Do I hate the fact that we are apart…absolutely. Today is one of the roughest days I’ve had in several months. The last time I had a couple of days like this was when I was making a present for you mom for her first Mother’s Day. Thank you for laying your life down for us. Your living for 13 weeks has forever changed my heart. In the way you lived and died has brought honor to me, a swelling in my heart, and tears to my eyes. I could never be more proud of you.

I love you, buddy.

Pop-Pop

"Will you write a song ’bout me?"

So this month kinda starts back a life I used to have pre-fatherhood and pre-marriage. What is it? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Well, a good thing. I have been playing more in front of crowds. All this month I was asked to lead the music at the church I go to. For me, that is huge. After I got married I pretty much stopped playing gigs. Why? I don’t know. I just did. I mean, I still played with the band a good bit, but within about 5 months after I got married the gigs faded out some. Anyway. So I’m leading at church…then I get a call from little Bear’s aunt Mika-lou about playing a revival one night. Well, that is tonight. The two of us will be wailing away singing and worshipping our little hearts out on the ground.

So what is next? I don’t know, but I am getting a taste for playing music again. Not hopping from coffee shop to coffee shop trying to squeeze a dime out of the crowd so it is a little worth my while. I don’t think it is the thrill of being in front to perform even though that has been fun. I think it is actually the music side of the view. I am really enjoying playing these days. Between teaching the guitar class at the ol’ University and filling in at church and leading on Sunday nights…I am just having a good time. I think my voice is beginning to come out and my “style” is forming and peaking through the wall that is my emotional torso.

So will I write a song about you? Maybe. I think it is time for that. It’s freakin’ time to get all of this mess off my heart and out in the midnight air…away from my mind and into the starry night.

oh, and the best part about being a married musician. After the gig, you never have to smooze the ladies and try to get numbers. You already get to go home with the most beautiful one…your soulmate. That makes singing and playing all the better. (Love ya, lovely.)

Until next post…rock on!!!!!

Oh, if anyone runs into Clay Alligood or Robert “Dig” Dixon, send them my way. Those guys know how to play some kickin’ music.

System of the downed

The system is down. Not the internet…just our intranet database site we use for billing. What’s it matter? It puts me at a massive HALT!!! Yeah, and since I was out yesterday with a sick wife, I have EVERYTHING to do today. I told myself this morning when I was psyching myself up for the day that I was going to get through all of this work today. It was about 9 hours worth of work…solid. I figured, if I bust it out, then I could squeeze it into 7.5 hours. NOT SO WITH A UNUSEABLE SYSTEM!!! So I spend my time more importantly checkin’ out the blogger and lookin’ around on myspace.

Quite literally can’t do anything that I need to do. I have to base all of my lending on the database. This blows!!! It has put me in a wicked mood. Mess with anything else…okay, but “fix” the one source of info that I have to have and I get a little postal.

Anywho. I’ll stop complaining now and go play some solitaire or free cell.

I was reading a buddies blog during lunch today. He made some really good points in his entry today. He was mentioning that life, for him and his family, is a little up-in-the-air as of recent.

Where? When? How? These are some of the questions he proposes. Over the weekend, I have been pondering over the same questions…”ironic, don’t you think?” Actually I’ve been wondering and asking myself these questions for a lot longer than that. Bishop Andy, my pastor, brought some light to a lot of this yesterday. Ephesians 4:1 “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Now it goes on to tell you how to do that…in meekness, humility, and bearing with one another. So what does that look like for me. I know what God has called me to in life. There are things that people are telling me though that confuse the crap out of me. One person (a person I highly respect) tells me that whether it is now or when I make it in the “big time” that he wants to support me no matter what. Yet another person (that I respect and is close to me) says another thing that is not along the same path. What then? So I guess I play gigs for fun…Lead worship at DTC and whatever transpires just transpires?

I think this. I’ve never really done anything full force except for recently. I’ve basically done enough to show progress but just enough where I don’t get blasted. When I started working 70+ hours per week, I had to keep everything afloat…not just barely above water. That whole process taught me something. Why should I spread myself so thin? I don’t have to. I should work beyond the best of my ability and lean on God for the additional strength and understanding.

Now that I have cut back the hours, I honestly feel paranoid that I’m not working and going full speed ahead. So do I cut back and chill? Heck, no! I concentrate my efforts. Work as diligently and I did when I worked 70+ hours. Just fit that effort into 45+ hours of work and the other things that are coming up for me and the fam.

So here goes! Let’s rock it and roll it and study it and whatever else it!!!

Wha?!?!?!?!?

Thanks, B, Gruff, and the rest of the fam for the surprise. I never would have expected it. This will be a welcome addition to our ever growing family. Thank you for wanting to honor me and show your appreciate for being a father.
I promise I’ll take good care of her. Change her when she needs changing. Cleaning her up when she is dirty. Talking sweetly to her and never raising my voice…well, not too much anyway.
Thanks Uncle B for giving a guitar that has an awesome history and means a whole world to you. I really appreciate it. Thank you Gruff for lining the whole thing up for me.
I could never say thank you enough.
Lastly, thanks Benny for your music and influence that brought us all to this point. Your music and legend lives on…

Playing catch-up

I didn’t mean to leave anyone out of the loop. I have no excuses. Life got busy and I didn’t make time to tell you about some stuff from home.

Here goes…

I think it is well documented that Lovely, Little Bear, and I got moved. We are still trying to get settled in and used to the limited yet graciously accepted amount of space. Well, Bear was fussy all weekend. We somewhat thought that the fussy-gus was due partly to the move and partly to lack of good sleep. Turns out that she was cutting a tooth. Well, Saturday night we are trying to recuperate from the day’s move and we are all (the five of us) sitting around chatting about life as we know it. Lovely is nursing the baby and gets a bite that is different than usual. Bear has been gumming and gumming for a couple of months now (click here to see when we started down the road to a tooth) so she chews on most anything she can get her little grubby hands on. Lovely, after she calms from the pain, looks at little bear and feels her gums. A TOOTH!!! Sure ’nuff. A tooth you can feel it AND see it!!! Shoot, I remember what it felt like when some of my teeth were coming in and I was not to be tampered with…at all. On to Tuesday, by Tuesday evening, she had cut another tooth. So our little one now has two little shimmers of pearls on her bottom gums.

Continuing on…Today is July 5th. On this upcoming Monday, the Silver Sloth will have been out of comission for one solid month. Right now we are borrowing “The Gas Saver.” (When you see the pic you will know that this is a true bit of sarcasm!!! This is not the actual vehicle I’m driving, just the same year and model.) If you looked at the photo, maybe you noticed that it has TWO HONKIN’ GAS TANKS ON THE DARN THING!!!! So between putting gas in “The Gas Saver” and still paying the payment and insurance on the Sloth I’m payin’ out just over $750 a month…just over $400 in gas for the truck. I never thought that I would say this, but I really look forward to the Sloth getting fixed. I mean, it is nearly paid for anyway. It’ll be a descent ride and all I would have to pay on it would be insurance. NICE!!!

Anyway. Moving on…Maybe I should’ve posted a few times today instead of one long post???? Nah!!

We have started another guitar class at the University!!! Yup, I requested the cut-off for the number of students in the class to be twelve…More than that might be too many. Well, ends up that the class got over booked…FIFTEEN!!! That’s okay. They up-ed my pay a good bit. Then they (the program director) came back last week and said that we would be running two classes in the Fall. All I can say is that the extra money will be a nice little extra income for debt-reduction, savings, and a little trip for me and the honey-loo. Bring on the classes. I don’t mind pulling in a good amount (well, a good amount for me…most of you out there this wouldn’t be enough to even consider the extra time) for an extra four hours of work.

Well, that is a brief update for now. If something else pops up I’ll be sure to post it…you just read it.!!!

-2 and less meds

So I just got back from the psycho doc a little bit ago. Well, they aren’t psycho. They give you meds if you are psycho or depressed or whatever else. Anyway. I hopped up on the scales and in two weeks, I’m down another two pounds. (I saw 232 lbs!) That means I’m only 3 pounds away from the 220’s. Woo hoo!!!

The bad side of the visit comes in that I have been placed on the placebo med. They gave me that part two weeks ago. I have dwindled a good bit in just two weeks…not good!!!! I told them that if they plan on keeping me on the placebo (the un-meds) that they will need get paperwork ready for my to discontinue the study.

They told me to try two more weeks on the un-meds and if I don’t get better then they’ll take me off the study and get a prescription for me.

Now that I’ve seen the difference of what I was before the study and now…I like the medicated me. I’m less volatile and much more fun to be around these days. So med me up!!!

So an ode to the old house on Tambay:

A silly little note about the house we just moved from:

You were made with brick and mortar
You were crafted with wood and nail
Your roof created safety and protection
Your floors watched our little one stand and fall
Your walls shared in our happiness and sorrow
Your doors opened to welcome us inside
Forever we’ll remember the house on Tambay
Never slipping through our rusty, crusty minds.

Thoughts on the weekend…

This weekend was very much busy. Very much interesting.

First things first…I said goodbye to the Mexican restautant on Friday night after working my two weeks notice. Yes, I worked my last night as a fajita-slinger. That will cut my hours back a good bit. I’ll be able to get to things that I have needed to have already finished by now.

Secondly, we made the move this weekend. I had a few guys lined up to help out, but all but one backed out on me. So late afternoon Friday I was scurrying around trying to find some guys to help move our stuff. We ended up with four guys (including me) and two trucks and one pull-behind trailer. It took a grand total of three trips just over 9 hours. Starting at 9:30 a.m. and pulling into the yard at the new place at about 7 p.m. Sunday afternoon after a quick nap, we started the unpacking. I figure that will take at least a couple of days and a few more trips to the storage shed since we had to move two bedrooms, 2 sleeper sofa-couches, 1 futon (which I call a fru-ton), clothes, bathroom stuff for two bathrooms, and a few more things…plus all the baby’s stuff into a room that is about 150 sq. ft and a little bit of storage in an additional bedroom. Of course we have the storage unit, but there is only so much you can put in a 100 sq ft. unit. Regardless, we have moved.

Little bear seems to be adjusting, but her bedroom is also our bedroom so she is frustrated when she wakes up and realizes we are in the same room. I’ll put together a screen this week so we can cover her bed (safely) so she can’t see us.

Will adjustments to our life have to be made? Sure. Big adjustments? Yup. So what is next? So what is to come? Time will show us all. God has a plan. He will reveal it in His perfect timing.

Until then, we will continue to seek God’s will.

And as always, el toro will keep you posted!