I am at a loss.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007…Our second baby died. BN2 was in Shady’s womb. He/she was 12 1/2 weeks into the growing. It all started Monday night when I got a call that I needed to get home and that something was wrong with the baby. As I arrived, Shady had started to bleeding a little and cramping. (Let me pause here for a moment. I am not going to get gross with the details. Just allow you a very slight glimpse.) We called a dear friend of ours to come over that is studying midwifery&natural medicines. We got Shady settled in and started with some natural herbs to save the baby. We prayed a lot. Tuesday the bleeding was continuing so I called in and Shady and I went to MCE (the ob/gyn place) to get seen about. After some blood being taken and an ultrasound, the nurses talked to each other mentioning a blighted ovum. Now, Shady has been studying medical terms enough to know what that meant. We went back Tuesday afternoon to meet with the doc. He said that the way to confirm a “miscarriage” is to check the HGC levels (the pregnancy hormone) 48 hours later. So Thursday, back to the doc. More blood drawn. Shady and I both knew that she would have to have a Rhogam shot since she is RH neg. They wouldn’t do it. “The doctor didn’t authorize it.” So, we got the confirmation of lowered HGC levels Thursday night and back to the doc on Friday for a shot. Saturday and Sunday we just tried to take it easy. Shady’s bleeding lightened up and cramping seemed to lessen. We just began the grieving process and started getting peace about the situation. It seemed that life would soon gain normalcy even with our loss. Sunday night around 11 pm Shady’s bleeding pickup…way up. By 2 am we were on our way to the MCE Emergency Room.

By 430am we were heading home. The bleeding was decreased greatly and Shady was much better physically. Basically, her body had to finish delivering the empty placenta.

Today, Shady is much better, but still weak. The grief has started all over again. You see, when you “miscarry” you still have to go through the labor process to deliver the “contents” of uterus. Shady confirmed that it is more painful than natural child birth. And at the end of it all, Shady went through labor a second time, but we have no new baby. That and the loss of blood (somewhere between 1-2 pints) has left us traumatized.

We are beginning to pick up the pieces and find scripture from the Bible to help us in this journey to find peace with our loss. Any scripture from the Holy Bible is welcomed.

By the way, I don’t write this to gross anyone. I don’t write it to get attention or get sympathy. I write because it is an outlet for me to grieve. Also, this is an announcement. I am starting an online grief group on Google for grieving fathers. If you know someone who is grieving the loss of a child whether during pregnancy or after birth, please let them know about this site.

Your prayers are much needed and appreciated.

The Weekendings for March 23-25

Well, I would say that things were uneventful, but that would be an out-and-out lie. From the time that I left the ole SU on Friday, Shady, Little Bear, BN2, and I went traversing the land. First to Lowe’s to just hang out and dream. Then to downtown Homewood to check out the scene. By this time it was about 2:30 p.m. Then I get a call while I’m on the phone. It’s my brother. I didn’t think much of it, but I knew that if he called that it was for a reason. I checked the message. It was roughly as follows:

“Hey, buddy. We are at the hospital. When we got here LBC was @ 6 centimeters. We are now @ about 8 centimeters and should begin pushing pretty soon. Hope you guys can make it over here.” So…I looked at Shady and nodded. Pressed the gas and off to St. Vincent’s we go (it was just over the hill) and a little while later at 5 p.m., Baby BAC was born. Stay tuned for pictures. He is a looker with about 20″ of hair. Of course that should come as no surprise given the proud father’s ability to cultivate head-fur. LBC was chipper and the BAC was sleeping in Papa K-bro’ arms.

So needless to say, I didn’t go to work that night @ Salsa’s. woo hooo!! Saturday came a little later and Shady took off to treat her mom to a birthday celebration @ Tannehill State Park. (Nana’s b’day was friday, the 23rd. BAC’s birthday.) I cruised over to Salsa’s to wait on a table or five (literally five in 7.5 hours) while Shady and Nana had a day.

The weekend was a great weekend. Very restful. I haven’t spent that much time with Shady, little bear, and BN2 in a good while. So do I go back to my crazy schedule this week? Yes, but I’m closer to my family and I know that an end to this crazy job thing is in sight.

"Aww, Sweet Baby"

Alright. I know that I have been really sad and/or negative the past few posts. So let me cheer it up a shade.

Little Bear has been growing and learning so incredibly much. In the past weeks, she is rolling over both ways. She sits up pretty well in a chair, but not on the floor (unsupported) yet. She is working feverishly towards crawling. But here is a few sweet things. Yes, like any good parents we love our little girl. We give her tons of hugger-muffins and kisser-biscuits. So as a result, she has started touching our faces very gently and then she smiles…much like when we touch her face and smile. We reply to the touch with “Aww. Sweet Baby.” and then touch her face right back. This has been going on for about 2 weeks. Well, night before last, I got home from work and she was still up for a minute. She saw me and leaned toward me to hold her. She burries her head in my chest and she wraps both arms around me and squeezes. (a hugger-muffin) A little later I was talking to her about her day and she leans in, gets this sweet little smile on her face, opens her mouth and gently places her mouth on the side of my face. (a kisser-biscuit) I just melted. I thought to myself, “This is what being a dad is about. All these hours of work and if all I ever got paid was a hugger-muffin and a kisser-biscuit and a Aww, Sweet Baby, that would be more than enough.”

So for those coming up on being a papa, just wait. You’ll hold that little one (all boys are being born right now…seemingly) and they smile (and it isn’t gas) or they giggle at you or they touch your face, it makes your day. It’s beautiful. In that moment, you might just realize that you aren’t that important, but that the little boy or girl that you are holding IS.

I just can’t wait for BN2. He/She is right around 12 weeks tomorrow. WOO HOO!!!!!

That means we are about 28 weeks from doing this again!!!! I can’t wait. Kids truly are a blessing.

Having kids changes things

So Shady and I are just over five months into our first child. Poopy Diapies? No problem. Spit up all over…nothing. Less sleep (about 4-5 hours)…You get used to it. Changing the babies clothes…Cake. Date night like it used to be? Date night? Anyone? Nothing. Before I go any further let me just proclaim to the top of the keyboard’s lungs that little bear is a delight! She is 95% sweet and the rest is needing to eat, change a poopy diapie, or having a gas-y belly.

Shady and I would like a couple of hours to just get away and “reconnect.” I hoping for a little break this weekend. Just some coffee…or a modest meal…or a little time at the park on the swings or something. Just some time where we can flirt with each other and respark the flame. Rekindle the marriage. Heat up the kitchen.

I’ll let ya know how everything goes. I usually do.

By the by, the past two days or so have been much better than say Monday or Tuesday.

Do you hear that? It’s the winds of change

Right at this very moment, I am so overwhelmed!

In a bad way??? Nah. God is so tremendously good to us. He knows everything that we think, feel, say, do, need, and want.

The past month and a half I have been working three..THAT’S THREE, PEOPLE…three jobs. I knew when I took the job at the restaurant (the third job) that it would not be a long-term thing, but I figured mid-June or something like that. Also, the more I have NOT been at home, the more I have wanted to be. I realized that I squandered my time with Shady and little bear away doing whatever, I don’t know what, before I took on the two part time jobs. I’ve found myself at least once each week weeping as I leave the house the past 1 1/2 months because I know that I’ll miss Shady’s antics and little bear’s next cute thing that she does. Or she’ll stop doing something cute, but the only way I experienced it was by Shady telling me about it…or by a picture of it that Shady took.

Well, the winds are blowing. I can’t really tell you all how just yet, but they are blowing. Let’s just say that last night was the first night in about 4 months that I actually slept. My heart is at rest. (well, right now I am a little anxious, but that’s expected.)

So what does the future hold? Time. Time with Shady. Time with little bear. Time talking to Shady’s belly to BN2. Time that I haven’t had. Time that I don’t have this week. Time that I probably won’t have next week or the week after that. But I’d say that by April 1st, I’ll have time. Time to use…not waste. Time to take advantage of and not throw away.

Praise be to God. Father, please forgive me for doubting You.

More, less, or about the same

You hear it from the optometrist. You hear it from the doctor. You hear it from Rite-Aid’s phone survey when you get your receipt and you call in and do the survey in hopes you’ll snag a cool $10K.

So I was thinking about it today…or I suppose I should begin the he/she thing now. Baby No. 2. After having Little Bear for a couple of months, I asked myself, “Am I excited more, less, or about the same?” While I am not at home as to talk to the belly as much as I was with Little Bear, I am still excited. Will it be a challenge having a one-year-old and a newborn? Heck, yes!!! But I see just how wonderful and enriching Little Bear is to me. How much more will I be blessed if there are two???

I remember running into church and telling everyone. “IMA GONNA BE-A PAPA!!!” Each week when I came in, people would ask, “what happened this week?” I would tell them, “Well, the baby is growing arms and feet” or “The baby is about 7 inches long and all the organs should be completely functioning” or whatever the book that I was reading told me the baby was doing.

So we are seven weeks along, right? This is a projection of what BN2 looks like @ just seven weeks in cultivation. At this point, it looks like we are having a manatee, but that little’un will grow and grow and grow to a full size baby manatee…I mean baby giraffe…oh, shoot, I mean a full size baby…uh…Toro! That’s right! A Toro. I can’t wait. Sure we have a while to go. And with October 5th through 15th being the time frame of delivery we have a lot of work to do until then. It is all worth it. Absolutely worth every paper cut, broken string, and hot salsa splashed in my eye. I love you family. Shady, you’re the best mamacita to little bear and I know that you’ll be just as gracious and lovely with BN2. Little bear, you may not be aware, but you are already a big sister. I know that you will be gentle and compassionate with your little bro or sis and understand when your mamacita has to spend a little more time with BN2, but that is when we can hang out and have fun. Baby Number 2, you are sweet, kind, and I pray that as you grow and take on characteristics of your mamacita and popi, that you also take on the character of God through the fruits of the Spirit. I love you in there. This is that popi talkin‘ to you. I love you in there.

Weekend Oddity

So there are a few odd things that happened this weekend. One funny, one horribly gross and then we’re back to restful Monday. So here goes…

Story #1) I was at the restaurant on Thursday night. We have three people who run the kitchen. Mr. Martinez (owner’s hubby), Adolfo, and Hermando. So, Hermando walks in and, of course, I (Miguel el Toro) say, “Hola! Que Pasa?” (Hello, What’s up?)

Hermando: What’s up, el Toro?

Miguel El Toro : Nada (Nothing)

Adolfo: How you baby?

MeT: Which one?

A: From last night?
(Shady and Little Bear came to the restaurant on V Day)

MeT: Bien!

A: Which one?

MeT: Una Mas (One more as I pointed to my belly)

H&A: Que?!?!?! (What?)

H: How old you baby?

MeT: 4 months

A: Cuatro mesos?!?! (to Hermando) Su bebé es cuatro meses y otro viniendomas! (His baby is four months and other coming.)

H: (With hands on his head in shock and amazed look on his face…like my face just feel off) CUATRO MESOS???!?!?! AYE YAY YAY!!! O! Usted necesita mas trabajos y sas dinero!
(You need more jobs and more money)

MeT: Tengo tres trabajos! (I have three jobs!)

H: He laughs and points to his belly and says, “Una mas” (and then points to hand) “Mucho mas.”

There was much laughter. Every time I went back to the kitchen for the rest of the night, Hermando would look at me, shake his head, and either say, “Una mas” or “Cuatro mesos.”

Story #2) So I had just got home from the LLH. I walk in Shady and Little Bear are just chillin in the family room. Daisy, our dog, let me know that she needed to go and pollute the backyard. So we scurry downstairs to go out back. No sooner than Daisy is out the backdoor is it that Shady is frantically calling for me and coughing. I thought maybe she was having a coughing fit like the week before last when she had strep. I didn’t want Daisy to run off, but Shady’s state was unknown and it had prime importance. I run upstairs to find Little Bear safely in the arms of her mom; however, Shady was coughing up a storm and sounding like she was about to spew. I grab Little Bear as I ask what it the issue. As Shady runs to the toilet she exclaims, “LITTLE BEAR JUST THREW UP IN MY NOSE AND IT WENT DOWN MY THROAT!!!” After hurling a little and a shower to clean herself off all was well. The only thing is that it hasn’t gotten to the point where we can laugh about it yet. It still grosses her out.

Those were two of the odd things that happened on the weekend. Till next time!

Valentine’s Day? Today or anyday?

Shady and I have been married for nearly 4 years now. Together, we have celebrated 5 Valentine’s Days including today. We celebrated last night since I will be slingin’ hash(food) tonight–it is a mandatory work night. As we gazed in each others eyes after I finished wiping Little Bear’s spit-up off of my shirt and pants and we realized that the romance is still there. It looks a little different, but there is still romance. Not just “married” romance, but that bond that you agree to when you say your “I DOs.” There is more closeness, friendship, and love than even the day before. So while we did modestly observe Valentine’s Day by opening a card and share some chocolates, I felt just as loved this morning, yesterday morning, and the morning before that.

Much the same, as we talked about it last night, I love her more than I did the day we got married. We did much of the same thing that day. We met in over-the-hill, AL @ a little Mexican rest. called Sol Azteca. We talked and laughed and blushed and it was like we were the only people in the restaurant. We talked about the up and coming ceremony, the honeymoon, and the night’s festivities. We sipped our sweet teas and gnawed on chips and salsa and discussed life and future. Last night was much the same. We were sitting in our kitchen and it seemed like we were the only ones there (we were the only ones). We gnawed on dinner and laughed, and giggled, and talked about future (baby #2), and loved. I thank God that He matched me up with someone so wonderfully created.

Shady, your are my heart’s desire. You are a wonderful wife. Your encouragement gives me breath. Your words cause my heart to seek God. You are the best mother of our child(ren) that I could have every asked for. I only look to the future to hope and desire more life with you and our growing family. Thank you for your comittment to God and to this marriage.

Back to Blogging

For those that said that I wouldn’t stay away from blogging…okay…I’ll say it. YOU WERE RIGHT!!! I decided to scury back over to Blogger since they don’t have the practically nude ladies and other offensive ads.

So here is an update:

Shady, Little Bear, and I are getting settled in to the new place. We took a trip to the Park up the road from the house a couple of weeks ago and Shady and I took a load of pictures. Bear is growing like a honkin’ weed. Now at 3 1/2 months old she is wearing 6-9 months clothes. She is standing up with help and is trying to crawl. (I do have video of crawling and plenty of pics of her standing.) Other than that, Samford is treating me well. They heard that I took a second part-time job on top of my full-time day job. (Full-time day – Samford’s Loan Office, #1 Part-time – Teaching a guitar class @ Samford, #2 Part-time – Waiting tables @ a Mexican restuarant) The guy over the guitar lessons asked me to find more students to get me away from the server job. We are planning to have two to three guitar classes going by June 2007. That would be a God-send.

Anyway. Other news:

My brother and his lovely are expecting here in the coming weeks (not months). Their “due date” is March 27, but as we all know, Baby BAC can come @ anytime. I can’t wait to get the call. I’ll be uncle el toro. I may have to come up with a alternate name. There are too many “mikes” in this world.

Well, enough schpeeling for now. Must get back to the job.

Until next time…